American Idol: The Boys

So far I am not impressed. What a bunch of uncharismatic (with a few exceptions) and unattractive (with even fewer exceptions) bozos. And why are we starting the voting off with a 60’s night? Ugh. Can we please get to know the contestants a little before we cripple them with lame arrangements of outdated songs? There is definitely some strong music that came out of the 60’s but they did their best to make us forget that last night. Taking some of those classics and making them relevant to today’s music should have been fun. Instead it was like a 60’s compilation for the geriatric dentist who thinks elevator music is too raucous. Where was the rock and roll? I want to watch a relevant singing competition – not join some flower power love in. What are we protesting – catchy beats? Booooooooring! The one contestant who broke every pattern was Michael Johns. He delivered a killer rendition of the Doors, was charming without being obnoxious and he has that Australian accent. Awesome. I could barely stand to watch the first few performances. That is until “The Hair” came on. Then I was transfixed by the horror. Okay, to be fair there were some pretty atrocious ‘dos on some of the guys. Garrett, you are a 17 year old contestant on a modern singing competition, not a 45 year old literature professor about to lose his tenure for hitting on his students. Get a haircut. And I won’t even comment on Jason Castro because dread locks on a white guy are the number one signifier of being a hopeless loser who is beyond all help and will probably die surrounded by black light posters and covered in lice. And it’s a shame because he was actually pretty good and I liked that he played a guitar. And he did look surprisingly clean. But dreads are a deal breaker for me. So you can see that the competition is fierce for worst hair, but I am anointing a winner: David Cook. And I have a little message for him. Attention David Cook: you are not fooling anyone – we can tell you are balding. We can detect the receding hairline from 100 yards without even needing a stiff breeze for proof. It is obvious enough that I would seriously doubt you are anywhere near 25 if I didn’t have friends who had the same problem at a similar early age. I’m glad you got rid of the weird red streak you had during auditions, but your work is not done. Trust me, copying Zac Efron’s haircut is not the answer (that goes for you too, Danny and Colton). In fact, copying anything of Zac Efron’s is NEVER the answer. Please take a page out of Michael Bolton’s book (never thought you’d hear someone say that did ya?)- long hair + balding = total loser. Close cut hair = decent singer who barely looks like he is balding. Go with it. I don’t know if this message will reach you in time (your performance kind of blew), but if you have the chance to continue on in the competition, seriously, get some clippers. Heck, do it even if they kick you off – after all you’re going to have to keep walking around where people have to look at you. David Archuleta you were good – you are very cute and your shyness / nervousness is charming but you are also very Broadway. For your sake I hope they make a sequel to Hairspray real soon. I also enjoyed Danny Noriega’s performance. Elvis is hard to pull of and I felt he did it. And yes, Danny, you do look like Jessica Alba. But you are not actually her. Lose the skinny jeans – I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have gotten a “grotesque” from Simon if you were wearing men’s pants. Everybody else was blah, blah, blah. The girls better bring it tonight or I’m going to have to switch over to Biggest Loser.