This Little Piggy Rode the Subway

I like the bornlearning.org commercials in theory. I love the idea that “everyday moments are teaching moments” and it is certainly an approach I try to take with my kids. And the commercials themselves are decent – the guy pulling the wagon and reading all the signs to his son is good, and the woman in the Laundromat is only marginally annoying. But the spot with the older woman on the subway is just plain stupid. I don’t care how much you are hoping to teach your kid to count, you do not take off your shoes and socks (!) on the subway. Ever. All of the ads feature onlookers staring at these characters like they are crazy, and we as watchers are supposed to think so as well until the child is revealed and we have the big ‘aha’ moment where we understand what is happening. But kid or no kid, that woman is still crazy. Ignoring how gross it is to be waving your gnarled feet around in public (in what I assume is winter due to the coats and hats worn by everyone), why on earth do you need to use your toes to count to ten? What the hell happened to your fingers? This is what fingers are for. And, if for some completely unfathomable reason you absolutely must use toes, then for the love of all that is holy use the kid’s toes. Kids have cute chubby toes, and they usually like any excuse to take off their shoes and socks (except for my daughter who has been alternating sleeping in her new crocs and her rubber rain boots. Seriously, over her footie pajamas, EVERY night). Plus, I’m sure no one would object to seeing those cute little piggies. So if the weather dictated that you put on sock and shoes before leaving the house, please wait to remove said garments until you return, regardless of the missed opportunities for educational enhancement. If your toes are already out an about in sandals, then feel free to utilize them as you wish. Just get pedicure first.

FYI

Have you seen the new Purina Dog Chow commercial where the dog is chasing the vacuum? Well the woman in it is Dagney Kerr, who played Buffy's college roommate Kathy on the second episode of season 4 who, of course, ended up being a demon. Just thought you might want to know that.

Sole Suckers

Cleanse and energize using these amazing Kinoki foot pads! Just stick them on the bottom of your feet and they suck out all of the toxins while you sleep. Pretty cool, huh? And, no doubt, totally bunk. I mean, the commercial actually compares how our bodies function to a tree, and I’m thinking that the whole photosynthesis, root system thing is a pretty big differential personally. But what do I know – I have yet to (according to the website) “Experience Kinoki’s Natural Power of Nature.” Yeah, that’s some convincing persuasion there. Eloquent AND explanatory.

Madonna, MD

I have read two different interviews this week with two different celebrities commenting on Madonna giving them B12 shots. Does this strike anyone as odd? Obviously the timing of two such comments is unusual, but mostly the fact that Madonna is out there administering medication to people is confusing. Did she get her medical license during one of her various transformations? B12 requires a prescription, and yet according to Gerard Butler in In Style and Justin Timberlake in some gossip rag, she walks around with a bag of syringes and will stab your bum at the merest mention of feeling low. I guess you just have to hope she doesn't mix the B12 syringes up with whatever it is she's been using on her face.

Death, Taxes and Curly Fries

After a visit to Arby's this weekend, I am left pondering the joys of the curly fry. Why is it that curly fries are always seasoned exactly the same? No matter the restaurant, city or state (I've never gone international) if you order curly fries, they will come with the same, spicy, salty, heavenly seasoning. And don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not complaining - I love me some curly fries! But this phenomenon is not the same for regular fries - they vary quite a lot depending on venue. So why is it that once potatoes are cut into tight little spirals they become limited to only one specific preparation? I guess its just another one of the constants in life.

Spit Charm

There is a new ad for Big Lots that states one reason they have so many great deals is because of packaging changes by companies. It features a great example of this, with a group of executives in a boardroom discussing the need to attract more female consumers. To do this they have , decided to change their mermaid mascot to a merman, and voila, a cloth is whipped away to reveal a merman complete with trident standing there. Clearly this approach is going to be successful because the lone woman executive is immediately attracted to the merman,and either he feels the same or he has been trained to flirt in order to increase customers because he spits water quite alluringly her way. I find this very funny, although I do hope it doesn't catch on amongst land dwellers as a way to express your interest.

American Idol

Well, I can't say that I am especially disappointed or surprised by last nights outcome. I like Amanda, but she really only has one sound and it was getting a little boring. I think she can do really well, but her attitude has gone downhill the last few weeks so I'm not sad to see her go. As for the remaining ten: can we PLEASE stop voting for stumpy, personality devoid, super weepy Ramiele? She is at best marginally talented and really beginning to irk me. The fact that she was ranked higher than Carly Smithson is criminal and it better not happen again or I will have to lay the smack down. So say it with me: bye bye Malubay.

Bend It Like Sharpie

I like the Sharpie commercial where (supposedly) David Beckham draws soccer ball marks on his golf ball before teeing off. But c'mon, to have David Beckham and not even show a picture of him is just mean. Right ladies?

Lost Ad Nauseum

For a while now I have thought that Lost has the longest commercial breaks of any show I regularly watch. According to Yahoo answers the average time for commercial breaks in a one hour program is 15 minutes (7 min for half hour). This seems about right, although personally I would have guessed a little higher - around 17 or 18. Well, I have kept track during the last three episodes of Lost, and the average total commercial time was 21 minutes. Each break lasts 3-4 minutes, and there are five of them each show. I think this is ridiculous, and especially frustrating for a show with such twisty plots and suspense. My husband and I watched the first two seasons on DVD before getting into season three live, and I have to say I wish we had just waited until the whole series was over to watch them all. First off, that would eliminate all the tension of waiting for next week or season, but also it gets rid of those pesky commericals that consist of more than 1/3 of the show!

Look Me In The Eyes

There is a commercial airing for a new, fun filled, ice-tastic version of Finding Nemo. That's right folks, the cartoon movie is now becoming a wierd, ice skating extravaganze. Now, personally I don't get the whole, turn every slightly popular kids movie/show into ice skating, Disney on Ice thing - but that isn't the purpose of this entry. What has prompted me to write is the costumes for this fish on skates story. You see, the skaters all wear fish costumes that primarily only cover their torsos, with their arms and legs sticking out in the appropriate color tights. This is probably the best arrangement, as in general you really only see fish moving around and not people in fish costumes, however they have seen fit to put giant pop eyes on all of the fish - right in the breast areas. So the skaters are gliding around the rink with big eyeball boobs and it is very distacting in my opinion. Just watching the commercial I feel almost rude staring at them. I mean, we are taught not to ogle such parts of people's anatomies, and yet also to always look people in the eye so this is quite a mixed message. Who new ice skating fish could present such a qaundary?

Water, Hold the Artificial Flavor

Propel Fit Water's new slogan is "how fit is your water?" and the commericals all feature people at the gym who are horrified to learn that they will have to do x amount more crunches or laps or whatever to burn off the calories in their sports drinks. Now, I definitely appreciate the message here - people often wonder why they continue to be overweight despite exercise and eating right because it is easy to disregard calories in drinks. And that's nice that Propel only has 25 calories per drink so it isn't as big a detriment to your diet. But seriously, what is wrong with plain water? It tastes like nothing, has no sodium or sugar, and has zero calories every time. Is it really that important to have something taste like raspberry? As someone currently trying to lose a few, I view every calorie as important, and I'm not about to waste any on something as stupid as flavored water. If you really can't stand water on its own squeeze a little lemon into it - it adds nothing but flavor and can be good for your digestion. As for me, plain water works just fine - the purpose is to hydrate my body not entertain my taste buds. They get enough stimulation from all the sugar I eat anyway (I'm still working on the whole 'eat right' part.)

Don't Dare TaDoodle

My daughter just recieved some Crayola TaDoodles First Marks for her birthday which is coming up in a week. These are special markers made for toddlers that have a big round shape that is supposedly easier to hold. They are little animals - black marker is a penguin, pink is a pig, etc, and they are advertised as made with washable ink. The big tagline on the packaging is "no more worries - no caps to lose." Well, let me tell you this is all a crock! First of all, losing caps is probably the least of my worries when it comes to giving my kids markers of any kind. A bigger concern is where they are going to put the writing end of the markers (or pens, or crayons or whatever). And in this case, these TaDoodles are a nightmare. We turned them over to see how they worked, and the ink literally poured out - there was a puddle of pink and orange ink dripping all over the packaging. And it was not washable - my mom's hands were stained orange all day. It was really disappointing that A) these would be made so poorly and so definitely not for small children, and B) that we had to immediately take away my daughter's gift so she wouldn't ruin the carpet. We pried out the ink part and maybe she can play with them just as little plastic toys, but there is no way thye would have been useable as markers - I wouldn't even have given them to her if she could play with them outside. If you want markers for your toddler - get the Crayola Wonders that only color on the special paper. Little hands can hold regular shaped markers just fine, and the ink won't make marks on clothes, skin, walls, carpets or anything else that sits still long enough for your kids to draw on it.

Anyone Ever Seen A Square Cow?

Wendy's is always making a big deal out of the fact that they never freeze their burgers. The latest commercial says that "if burgers were meant to be frozen, cows would live in Antarctica." This has got to be the stupidest comment I have ever heard. Where the animal lives (or plant grows) really doesn't have anything to do with how it is served once it is food. Duh. This reminds me of the time I bought a leather jacket and asked the sales lady if it needed any special protection in the rain. Her response was "it's lamb skin, it's just like your skin." Now aside from being a creepy answer, this isn't really very helpful seeing as my skin is still attached to my living body. I know that the coat was waterproof when it was still on the lamb - what I don't know is how it reacts once it has been removed, tailored and dyed black. As for Wendy's, their logic seems just as absent. They might as well just say, if burgers were ment to be square, cows would be stacked like blocks. Dumb.

ps: my personal choice for a rewrite of this commercials would be: if burgers were meant to be frozen they would be served cold. Logical, and unappetizing enough to make the idea of a juicy, hot, grilled burger seem ultra tasty.

American David, I Mean, Idol

I have often said that until we get into the top ten the votes should be for who you want to leave rather than who you want to win. When there are so many contestants it is really hard to pick a favorite (or it is typically, hello David A), and people just end up casting vote after cancelled out vote for everyone they like. I would actually be inspired to vote more often if I could vote people off – last year I would have been rabidly dialing to get pig faced Melinda out of there (yeah, yeah, she was a great singer. Hated her anyway). I am now going to also say that there should be a limit on contestants with the same name – there are entirely too many Davids this year. America’s Next Top Model had two Amys this year and they made one of them adopt a nickname to clear up any confusion (she picked Amis, apparently because it sounds like Amy and is in the Bible. Um, okay) Now I’m not suggesting we go around giving everyone biblical monikers, just that maybe we suggest they go with middle names or something (you’d think they would want to – I’d be pissed if some other Kate got my votes cause some couch potato forgot my last name and dialed wrong). That said, here is my rundown on team David:

David A – Always the frontrunner, and he just keeps getting better and better. I can’t believe that he sings so well when his speaking voice is so hoarse. And now he’s playing the piano too? Everyone else should just concede now.
David H – apparently this guy was a stripper or something, well the Chippendale eyebrow was in full action Tuesday night and that is not a good thing. Not to mention, what the heck is a dude doing singing Celine Dion anyway?
David C – was actually really good. Good enough that I even started thinking his hair was looking better – and that’s saying something. (PS: did anyone see his sister? Same ‘do. Yikes!)

On the girls’ side, all I can say is there are some serious fashion disasters being committed this season. It’s like a regular What Not to Wear before-fest out there. If there are stylists working with them now they should be fired. If there aren’t, they must be tearing their hair out dying to get their hands on these girls next week. My comments:

Carly, Asia‘h – I believe we have had this discussion. Skinny jeans? And not just skinny jeans, but highwaisted skinny jeans? With form fitting tank tops? Have you forgotten that while you are quite cute you are not in fact 5’10”, 120 lb supermodels? Well then let me remind you – you are NORMAL people and normal people’s asses look huge in tapered pants.
Ramiele – Pairing a librarian cardigan with a sausage mini was not a wise choice - are you trying to make yourself look like a tree stump? Cause that’s not really a look that works on anyone.
Syesha – you actually have the model looks and body to pull off a cap sleeve mock turtleneck with dress shorts – just don’t pick satin. Wrinkles kind of set the whole polished look back a bit.

As for the results, well the only one I’m sure is leaving is Luke. I can’t pick any good bets on the other three. For my own desires, I wouldn’t mind seeing Asia’h go – her perkiness is beginning to move into deranged territory. Amanda is also probably in danger. I like her, but she really is a one trick pony – her voice is super cool but it sounds exactly the same in every song. And I wish David “Rico Suave” H would shove off; I find him supremely annoying.

Not Quite Infallible

I love long lasting lipstick. You apply it once in the morning and go about your day never worrying about it wearing off or smudging and all you need to bring with you is chapstick. Totally awesome. One of my favorites is L'Oreal Infallible, which comes in a handy little zippo sized case that contains tha color and a moisturizing balm. For even more convenience, the shiny silver case doubles as a mirror for easy application anywhere. And now they have come out with Infallible lipgloss, which doesn't last as long as the lipstick, but does stay on and glossy for way longer than any other lipgloss. The lipgloss also has a built in mirror, however this is where they have made a grave mistake - they put the mirror on the lid. And as anyone who has ever used a wand type lipgloss before knows, when in use the lid becomes the handle. Making it less than useful as a mirror. Stupid. It would have been much better (and I think cooler looking too) if they had designed the packaging to have silver at the bottom and on the cap with just a small clear portion showing the color of the gloss. Then you could use the silver on teh bottom as a mirror and it wouldn't matter about the handle. As it is, all the mirror is useful for is checking how many mistakes you made while applying it blindly. Oh well, despite the stupid oversight of the package designers, I highly recommend these two products - the lipstick slighty more than the gloss.

Diet Suds

Standing in my shower the other day I noticed that my shampoo features "Lite Nutritive Fruit Micro-Oils." Now all of this seems like marketing mumbo jumbo, but mostly I am wondering about the 'lite' part. Is this diet shampoo? They used the common diet misspelling indicating low calories or low fat or whatever, and I can't think of another reason that might be listed on the bottle. Do people put their hair on a diet? Next thing, my conditioner will probably have 'no trans fats' listed on the label. And you know what comes after that: a lawsuit and the warning 'not for consumption.'