The Polar Express

I have an opinion on this movie, and if you are one of the people raving about it in my Facebook feed, you may not want to continue.

I've been hearing about this movie for years - since it came out and definitely since I had kids and became more acquainted with all things for them and what other parent's think.  So you could say I had at least marginal expectations for this movie to be if not good, then at least enjoyable.  And given the fairly consistent airings on tv every year, I've had opportunity to see it.  I've never made it longer than ten minutes.  But we were gifted the dvd this year so I popped it in for the kids this afternoon planning to get some uninterrupted reading time (MOTY).


And Oh.  My.  God.

Where do I start with this movie?  The half realistic half bizarrely stiff animated people (with inexplicably wooden puppet hands)?  The SUPER annoying kid on the train who is have been given the voice of a 45 year old straight out of Woody Allen?  The ridiculous (and ENDLESS) subplot of the lost/found/lost/flying/hovering/ ad nauseam ticket?  The continually moronic choices made by each and every character?  The total inconclusiveness given the conductor character as to whether he is a good guy or a bad guy?  Santa's elves which are apparently Jewish given their liberal use of Yiddish? (I actually find this amusing, but it is still too random for comprehension.)  Basically I can sum up my opinion of this movie in one word:

Barf.

And yet.  My kids sat completely still, and silent, and enthralled by watching it.  So I have no doubt that it will enter into our yearly Christmas seasonal viewing rotation.  Which currently only consists of one video - and medley of Christmas carols accompanied by random Disney scenes.  So we are hardly bringing down the average here.  But whatever.  The kids love it, so that's fine by me.  I'll just try and find other things to do whenever it's on.

But really, would it kill someone to make a holiday movie for kids that maybe not only didn't suck but is actually charming and intelligent and fun?  That would be nice.

ps: anyone who loves it want to explain to me why?  because I really don't get it and I'd love to hear your opinion on it.

And Now, A Word About Sponsors

I have determined why I love the Disney Channel so much. Occassionally my daughter decides that she wants to watch cartoons - which basically means anything animated that she doesn't already know the name of, i.e. Tigger and Pooh, which we watch everyday, is not a cartoon, but SpongeBob, which I can't stand, is. I blame my husband for this because while I never give them a choice and just automatically put on Disney (meaning they wouldn't even know there was other crap out there as an option), he never does, and instead will put on any old cartoon regardless of how terrible or age inapproriate. Anyway, when I can't dissuade her from cartoons, we switch to Nickelodean or Cartoon network. Almost immediately I am bombarded with disgust at how terrible the commercials are - every single one is the most blatant, consumerist junk and you you can just hear it trying to brainwash your kids into begging for these toys. In two minutes last night we saw ads for some tacky, neon hair extension thing, some terrible space props that might have been Star Wars light sabers, and Sketchers shoes, or possibly a video game featuring Sketchers shoes, I'm not sure. These ads (not to mention the primarily lame/offensive shows themselves) immediately turn me into someone who wants to burn the television in order to save my children from its evil. And I am someone who can easily have the boob tube on 15 hours a day. Anyway, I was complaining about how horrible all of these ads are to my husband, and trying to figure out why I don't get any feelings like this when we watch the Disney channel, so today I paid attention. And you know what? I figured it out. It is because there aren't any ads on the Disney channel. Yes, there are breaks in the programs, but all of the commercials are for other Disney programs. For sure, this gets pretty repetitive (I may have to slap someone if the Cheetah Girls say "cheetalicious" one more time), but mainly it's easy to tune it all out without worrying that my kids are being exposed to images of toxic sugary treats and mind melting toys. And for a brand that is seriously consumerist, I think it is pretty surprising. I mean, I haven't been toa store in months that didn't have Hannah Montana plastered all over everything, so it totally wouldn't shock me if Disney used its commericals to hock sheets and lunch boxes. But it doesn't. It doesn't even try to push DVD's of the shows. All we have are simple, cheesy, non offensive children's programs that I am happy to let my kids watch without worrying they are going to be corrupted or turned into greedy monsters, and ads about the programs. Impressive.

Don't Dare TaDoodle

My daughter just recieved some Crayola TaDoodles First Marks for her birthday which is coming up in a week. These are special markers made for toddlers that have a big round shape that is supposedly easier to hold. They are little animals - black marker is a penguin, pink is a pig, etc, and they are advertised as made with washable ink. The big tagline on the packaging is "no more worries - no caps to lose." Well, let me tell you this is all a crock! First of all, losing caps is probably the least of my worries when it comes to giving my kids markers of any kind. A bigger concern is where they are going to put the writing end of the markers (or pens, or crayons or whatever). And in this case, these TaDoodles are a nightmare. We turned them over to see how they worked, and the ink literally poured out - there was a puddle of pink and orange ink dripping all over the packaging. And it was not washable - my mom's hands were stained orange all day. It was really disappointing that A) these would be made so poorly and so definitely not for small children, and B) that we had to immediately take away my daughter's gift so she wouldn't ruin the carpet. We pried out the ink part and maybe she can play with them just as little plastic toys, but there is no way thye would have been useable as markers - I wouldn't even have given them to her if she could play with them outside. If you want markers for your toddler - get the Crayola Wonders that only color on the special paper. Little hands can hold regular shaped markers just fine, and the ink won't make marks on clothes, skin, walls, carpets or anything else that sits still long enough for your kids to draw on it.

Veggie Tales Movie

I have seen a preview for a new Veggie Tales movie - just what it sounds like: tomatoes and cucumbers walking and talking - entitled something like Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. Or maybe where nobody does anything, I don't remember. Anyway, I find this a strange title for a movie - what are they, Seinfeld buffs? I figure maybe it's a riff on the whole "veg out" phenomenon where you lie like broccoli, but it's a dumb title. Plus, before stating the title, the voice over says stuff that happens in the movie, such as rescuing a princess and some other events I also don't remember (I don't watch the kiddie channels too closely, ok?), which to me implies that these pirates do in fact do some things during the movie and therefore the title is false as well as stupid. Although I guess I shouldn't expect too much from vegetative buccaneers.

The Incredibles

I have seen the Incredibles several times in the past week and I have been reminded just how good it is. There are not many movies that bear up to multiple veiwings in a short span of time without becoming tiresome, but this is one. My husband remarked that it was about time they make a sequel and I agree - bring on The Incredibles 2!!

author's note: I have been sick for a week and I am in no mood to be witty or long winded - hence this short and fairly dull entry.

The Polar Express

I just turned on the Polar Express thinking that it would be good for the kids and not so boring since I have never seen it before. Well, it has been on for about 20 minutes and I am in the other room on the computer so that should tell you something. I watched for about ten minutes until the whiny kid whose voice is clearly that of a 40 something New York mensch came on and then I was done. Icky computer animation is annoying enough without terrible characters too. Not my new Christmas favorite.

Aquadots

Several weeks ago there was a recall for a toy called Aquadots. Apparently, when the small beads that make up this toy are ingested they turn into GHB - better known as the date rape drug. That's something isn't it? You give your kids something new to play with and suddenly they are zombies lying on the floor (I do have to admit though that this is sort of appealing in terms of long car rides - assuming of course you could manage it without an actual coma and risk of seizure). Now, a recall is absolutely necessary in this case, but I can't help thinking that any toy with tiny little beads should only be played with by kids who have outgrown the urge to put things in their mouths anyway. In fact, the packaging is labeled 4+ years, and of course the first case of a child being harmed after ingesting the beads was a 20 month old. I have a 20 month old and I would never knowingly let her play with any type of little beads, toxic or not, because she will undoubtedly put them in her mouth and I wouldn't want her to choke. So while I think whoever was watching that poor child was being somewhat negligent by letting them play with a toy that is inappropriate (here Tommy, play with this choking hazard), I guess I also have to thank them for bringing the toxicity of this toy to light. Hopefully their child recovers and no more children are harmed.

Amendment:
I wanted to add that I wonder how many creepy perverts out there heard about the recall and rushed out to get their hands on some free GHB for their personal use. I hope none, but you never know.

Feel Free to 'Meet The Robinsons'

Last night we rented Meet the Robinsons, and it is one of the best movies I've seen in a while. The first half is hysterically funny - completely random comments, occurances and characters keep popping up. Obviuosly the second half has more to do with resolving the plot and imparting the message, and it is a kids movie so the ending isn't a surprise, but it is still enjoyable and totally worth it for the off hand dialogue thrown in. The writiers might have been on drugs, but this is one case where randomness works - it is quirky and funny and it all meshes well rather than just being weird for the sake of being wierd. I think this may be a movie that parents like more than the kids, who may not fully appreciate the wonderfuly bizarre.