Argo Fete Yourself

Ah, the Oscars.  So long, so boring, so pointless because I hardly ever see the movies people consider award worthy.  And still I watch.

This year I had seen four of the best picture contenders: Argo, Les Miserables, Silver Linings Playbook, and Django Unchained, which is by far the highest percentage of nominees I've seen in recent years.  I liked them all, so I would have been happy to see any of them win, and a couple of months ago I would have been most aggressively rooting for Les Mis because I love it so.  But I have to confess that by last night I was crossing my fingers for Argo - everyone loves thumbing their nose at the establishment, and after the Academy totally snubbed Ben Affleck by not even nominating him for best director (and then he went on to win basically every other directing award, HA!) I was definitely puling for him to shove a win down their throats and get his Oscar anyway.

Argo fuck yourself, Oscar.

So I was very glad to see it win, but of course, if you think about it, there really was no surprise.  Argo basically has everything Academy voters want: period piece, historically relevant, true story, unlfattering costumes and/or facial hair, and Hollywood itself plays a hero's role in saving the day.  how could they NOT vote for it?

As far as the broadcast went, I won't say it was the worst I've ever seen.  Last year's hosts were so clearly uncomfortable and awkward the entire night that it was much more painful to watch in my opinion.  And I felt there were less lengthy, boring speeches and random interludes of dancing or bizarre tributes than usual.  Which was good because we caught up on DVR halfwya through and were watching live, so I appreciate not having to suffer through as much of the crap I usually fast forward.  That said, it was still 4 hours long, and I didn't think Seth MacFarlane was terrific - and his opening was SUPER long.  So I give it maybe a B-

I wasn't swept away by anyone's dress or beauty last night - but I missed the red carpet thanks to a sick baby and there didn't seem to be as many audience cutaways as usual so hopefully I'll see something fabulous in the magazines when they come out.  I also didn't think anyone looked horrific, so once again this year walked right along the middle.  And was it the year of the hairy man or what?  Seemed like half the male audience had beards, but I can actually only remember Ben Affleck and George Clooney, so maybe there weren't as many beards as it seemed.  And what was with all the winners (in behind the scenes categories like editing and sound) with long, flowing man locks?  Not a good look guys.  I personally hate long hair on guys anyway, but if you are dressed in a tuxedo, your hair really shouldn't be lying loose halfway down your back.  So.  Gross.

So that's my take.  Congrats Argo, and Ang Lee, and Anne Hathaway, Christoph Waltz, Jennifer Lawrence (who actually disappointed me in her speech because she is usually so funny but she was too shell shocked last night), and Daniel Day-Lewis (who surprised me with his speech because he WAS funny, and since when is he funny?).  It was a pretty good year for movies.

Idol Gives Bleck

I am glad that American Idol has decided to utilize its ratings for charity. I think the idea of Idol Gives back is a great idea. But I have to admit that I hate how they do it. I do not want to see a bunch or celebrities stumping for charity. I have said it before so I won't waste time saying it again, but I find sickeningly wealthy people asking us regular folks for money supremely distasteful. I also do not in the slightest enjoy watching live music performances and random awkward comedy routines. Especially not while a credit card donation hotline number flashes before my eyes. It is boring, and self indulgent and in general I feel it is done not to actually help people, but so that everyone can later go home, revel in the luxury their grandiose paychecks have afforded them, and feel good about themselves.

But I have a DVR, so what do I care, right? I can just zip through the whole thing or delete it completely - who cares what celebrity said what for which charity? Doesn't matter to me, I'm already on to my other recorded shows.

But isn't that kind of the point? Aren't they trying to reach all their millions of viewers in order to raise awareness and money and donations? Kind of defeats the purpose if we aren't watching. Not to mention - how much money did it cost to put on this whole production? I bet that could have fed some kids.

I wish they would just put aside this whole self serving rigamarole and start charging for votes. believe me, it isn't going to cut down on the number of people voting by that much if it only costs $.10 or even $.05 per call. And every votes every week the entire season? That is hundreds of millions of votes - which would be millions of dollars raised without doing a single thing differently. They could find a way to shorten (or dear god, please get rid of) those horrible Ford videos and show a few minutes of one of the various charities being benefited through the whole season's accumulated donations.

It would all be simple, straightforward and behind the scenes - everything Hollywood hates.

So I won't hold my breath. But I will hold down my FFWD.

Why Do I want Their Help?

There is a commercial airing for the Mastercard Priceless Gift finder, featuring Peyton Manning and Alyson Hannigan giving people terrible gifts. Taffy to an old man with no teeth, a mouth guard to an old lady whose tackling days are most likely behind her, etc. It is very funny and I enjoy watching it each time. but I think they may have shot themselves in teh foot a bit, because at the end it says you can win a chance for one of them to help you choose your Christmas gifts. And I can't help but wonder, after seeing how lousy they are at it, why I would want their help?

VMA-gate: And We're Suprised Why?

Okay. So you may or may not be aware of the brouhaha stemming from last nights' VMAs (since probably only my dad is reading this, that stands for video music awards. yeah, that's what I'm talking about here. Bye Dad). Basically, Kanye West acted like a dickhead and hijacked Taylor Swift's acceptance speech to say that Beyonce's video was the best one. Commence jaw dropping and much Tweeting/internet chaos. Truly, it was wonderful fodder. But basically, I just have to say, really? Are we THAT surprised that Kanye West acted like, um, Kanye West? The guy makes all the regular asshats out there seem like saints. Yes, it was amazingly rude, and yes, it was totally crazy that he actually got up and did that, but honestly, after watching the clip, the only thing that really surprised me was how polite he was when speaking. The overall message was unforgivable no doubt, but he was actually quite tame with the words coming out of his mouth. Which in itself should demonstrate the heights of douchbaggery he regularly attains, when something so heinous can come across as sort of civil. Dickweed. I would like to suggest that we all stop discussing such abominable behavior and giving the prick what he wants - attention. Don't tweet his name, don't write it on your blog. Make up some nickname (King Douche perhaps?) and use that. So that egomaniacal (and talentless, face it, anyone with his producers could do what he does) fame whore can't search for himself and revel in his controversy. The only thing his name should be used for now is as a verb to explain when someone steals your thunder and/or reaches new levels of wankosity.
ie: the best man totally KANYED their wedding when he got drunk and made out with the bride's dad

Nintendo x 3 : Decent, Dumb and Tacky

I want to talk about the new commercials for the Nintendo handheld "isn't called a Gameboy anymore but I don't know the new name so I'm calling it a Gameboy" gaming system. In general these ads are fine, but I have a couple of issues. First, I like the one with Liv Tyler. She is playing BrainAge, and I like that since she is basically my age (maybe a year older) and I like to do puzzles and stuff whenever possible to keep my mind agile and hopefully push back my inevitable decline into senility. So that one is good. The one with Carrie Underwood however, has a problem. That game she is "playing" is so ridiculously stupid I can't even stand it. Seriously, she is petting and washing a picture of a dog on her gameboy. And she has a REAL dog sitting with her. What is that about? I like animals and all, but I'm not particularly sure where the appeal is of pretending to wash a digital dog with a stylus on an electronic apparatus. Dumb, and I feel sorry for Carrie that she is stuck with this game. The commercial with America Ferrara has a different issue. Her game is fine - she is playing some version of Super Mario Brothers - my issue is with her gameboy itself. This thing is metallic pink and has her name spelled on it in rhinestones. Cute, right? Well, no. Not particularly if you are twelve, and definitely not if you are 24.

by the way - while all of these ads have varying levels of personal enjoyment for me, none of them makes me want the system. I do however totally want the Wii Fit. Cause if I don't exercise normally, I totally will with an expensive video game console and attachment, right/

Sneak A Pic

My first thought when I saw the commercial where Ashton Kutcher is in a dressing room and a bunch of girls use his camera to take pictures of themselves was that it was weird. My second thought was that it was vaguely creepy seeing as he is married. Now I have seen a second version where he is at a party and the girls are taking pictures while he takes a phone call. It is still icky in terms of the whole 'seducing a married guy' thing, but now they show him saying into the phone "it's happening right now. They don't think I know" in reference to the pics. And that I find amusing.

Madonna, MD

I have read two different interviews this week with two different celebrities commenting on Madonna giving them B12 shots. Does this strike anyone as odd? Obviously the timing of two such comments is unusual, but mostly the fact that Madonna is out there administering medication to people is confusing. Did she get her medical license during one of her various transformations? B12 requires a prescription, and yet according to Gerard Butler in In Style and Justin Timberlake in some gossip rag, she walks around with a bag of syringes and will stab your bum at the merest mention of feeling low. I guess you just have to hope she doesn't mix the B12 syringes up with whatever it is she's been using on her face.

Bend It Like Sharpie

I like the Sharpie commercial where (supposedly) David Beckham draws soccer ball marks on his golf ball before teeing off. But c'mon, to have David Beckham and not even show a picture of him is just mean. Right ladies?

Lois Lame

There is a new movie coming out called 21, based on the true story of several MIT students who took on Vegas in a card counting scheme. The movie stars Kate Bosworth, and seeing how cute and perky she is as a college student has re-awakened by irrational hatred of her in Superman Returns. I have no problem with her in general – she was charming in Blue Crush and she has that cool, one blue eye, one brown eye thing going on – but she absolutely ruined Superman. Let’s ignore for a second the fact that she is in no way believable as the mother of a 5 year old son, and not just because she looks like childbirth would snap her like a twig. No, the problem goes beyond that. Superman Returns takes place supposedly after Superman has been gone for 5 years. Five years after he met Lois Lane and had a mysterious relationship with her that may or may not have resulted in the birth of her son. Now, seeing as when they first met Lois was already a famous reporter with a successful career and throwing in a little time for the relationship and the five years interim, do we think that maybe the casting of a 23 year old actress is a little inappropriate? I’m going to assume that the Daily Planet doesn’t typically hire sixteen year olds, but instead wants college grads with at least a minor in journalism. And I can’t imagine that it is that easy to become Metropolis’ biggest journalist, so I figure it had to have taken Lois at least a few years to work herself up to that level. So that makes her at least 25 before they even meet. Add in those five years again and we are looking at a 30 year old Lois at the minimum, and I’m sorry, but plucky little Kate Bosworth cannot play 30. She doesn’t have the necessary air of cynicism or experience to pull off a world weary, seen it all, journalist. A better choice would have been Parker Posey, who was woefully underused in the movie anyway (and, believe it or not, is 39). It would have been so much more provocative to have an evidently older Lois playing off of a still youthful Superman. How much more dramatic would it be if Lois not only had hard feelings toward Superman for leaving, but also because he still looks the same age; reminding her of her own waning youth and the differences between them? That would have taken a movie that was all about the action and given it depth.

And yes – I know Superman Returns came out in 2006, but so what? It is a major flaw in the movie and should not be forgiven just because it happened 2 years ago.

The Assassination of 'The Assassination of Jesse James'

Seriously – what is the deal with the total lack of any marketing for this movie? First we had zero previews, then a very limited run in theaters. Now, it has come out on DVD and there had not been a stitch of advertising for that either. I don’t get it. Casey Affleck was nominated for an Academy Award for his performance for Christ sake – doesn’t that imply that maybe the movie is halfway decent? And correct me if I’m wrong, but typically Brad Pitt movies are somewhat popular. I am at a total loss to explain any of this. Someday I will rent and watch the movie, and maybe that will give me some insight.

American Idol: The Boys

So far I am not impressed. What a bunch of uncharismatic (with a few exceptions) and unattractive (with even fewer exceptions) bozos. And why are we starting the voting off with a 60’s night? Ugh. Can we please get to know the contestants a little before we cripple them with lame arrangements of outdated songs? There is definitely some strong music that came out of the 60’s but they did their best to make us forget that last night. Taking some of those classics and making them relevant to today’s music should have been fun. Instead it was like a 60’s compilation for the geriatric dentist who thinks elevator music is too raucous. Where was the rock and roll? I want to watch a relevant singing competition – not join some flower power love in. What are we protesting – catchy beats? Booooooooring! The one contestant who broke every pattern was Michael Johns. He delivered a killer rendition of the Doors, was charming without being obnoxious and he has that Australian accent. Awesome. I could barely stand to watch the first few performances. That is until “The Hair” came on. Then I was transfixed by the horror. Okay, to be fair there were some pretty atrocious ‘dos on some of the guys. Garrett, you are a 17 year old contestant on a modern singing competition, not a 45 year old literature professor about to lose his tenure for hitting on his students. Get a haircut. And I won’t even comment on Jason Castro because dread locks on a white guy are the number one signifier of being a hopeless loser who is beyond all help and will probably die surrounded by black light posters and covered in lice. And it’s a shame because he was actually pretty good and I liked that he played a guitar. And he did look surprisingly clean. But dreads are a deal breaker for me. So you can see that the competition is fierce for worst hair, but I am anointing a winner: David Cook. And I have a little message for him. Attention David Cook: you are not fooling anyone – we can tell you are balding. We can detect the receding hairline from 100 yards without even needing a stiff breeze for proof. It is obvious enough that I would seriously doubt you are anywhere near 25 if I didn’t have friends who had the same problem at a similar early age. I’m glad you got rid of the weird red streak you had during auditions, but your work is not done. Trust me, copying Zac Efron’s haircut is not the answer (that goes for you too, Danny and Colton). In fact, copying anything of Zac Efron’s is NEVER the answer. Please take a page out of Michael Bolton’s book (never thought you’d hear someone say that did ya?)- long hair + balding = total loser. Close cut hair = decent singer who barely looks like he is balding. Go with it. I don’t know if this message will reach you in time (your performance kind of blew), but if you have the chance to continue on in the competition, seriously, get some clippers. Heck, do it even if they kick you off – after all you’re going to have to keep walking around where people have to look at you. David Archuleta you were good – you are very cute and your shyness / nervousness is charming but you are also very Broadway. For your sake I hope they make a sequel to Hairspray real soon. I also enjoyed Danny Noriega’s performance. Elvis is hard to pull of and I felt he did it. And yes, Danny, you do look like Jessica Alba. But you are not actually her. Lose the skinny jeans – I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have gotten a “grotesque” from Simon if you were wearing men’s pants. Everybody else was blah, blah, blah. The girls better bring it tonight or I’m going to have to switch over to Biggest Loser.

In The Motherhood

Last week as I was idly clicking around the internet looking for something to entertain me that didn't involve shopping, I came cross a little internet show called In The Motherhood. I stumbled across it because there was a link on the MSN home page that said something about "Kelly" over a picture of Jenny McCarthy and I said to myself "who's Kelly? That's Jenny McCarthy." I had to see what was up as this constituted a great mystery to me and therefore found this show. It features three moms - played by Jenny McCarthy, Chelsea Handler (as sisters), and Leah Remini and the short 'webisodes' are various little vignettes of real life made humorous. They are cute enough, and these three ladies are certainly very funny, but what I really like about the show is that fans and real life moms can write in with suggestions for topics or plots for what happens on the show. Because who knows how funny and frustrating a mom's life can be better than other moms? Anyway, I thought it was worth sharing in case you are a mom, or a woman who can sympathize with what it must be like(I don't think men will get it much). Check it out the next time you are looking to mess around online.

The Assassination of Jesse James

There is a new movie out called The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford. I believe it has been in theaters for a week. You may not have heard about it because there aren't any previews or advertisements for this movie. You may think that is because it is a small independent film that has no budget for such things, but let me assure you that is not the case. This movie stars Brad Pitt. I cannot believe that there wouldn't be any previews or anything for a movie starring one of the most famous movie stars currently working. Maybe the movie sucks, or maybe they figured the title was just too long and would take up all the time needed for a preview. Either way it is weird.

Star Power

Obviously, using celebrities to sell your items has been in practice since the dawn of advertising. "Real life testimonials" have also been popular, and it was only a matter of time until the two concepts were combined. The most evident of these are the Geico commercials where bizarre celebrities (Little Richard, Charo) are used to help regular customers tell their stories. I find these fairly enjoyable - it varies depending on the celebrity but overall they are pretty funny. The most recent addition to the crossover genre in Dell, which features a young guy talking about wanting a Dell computer. Burt Reynolds suddenly interrupts him, telling us he can't hear him because he isn't famous. Then Burt goes on the suggest using Dell's star power to convince people to buy you a Dell (Chuck Liddell as the "Hard Sell" and Brooke Burke as the "Soft Sell"). I like this commercial for several reasons - first it is amusing. Second, it isn't actually selling Dell; it assumes you already want one and so it is just telling you how to get someone to buy it for you. I think this assumption of desire serves well to subconciously plant the idea in people's heads that they want a Dell. And thirdly, who doesn't love a chance to see Burt Reynolds? (man, it's hard to type sarcastically)

3 pm slump

Robert Goulet has passed away, and now office workers everywhere can rest assured that he won't be coming to mess with their desks if they get drowsy in the afternoon without eating their Emerald Nuts.